Questions and doubts

I am sure all aspies sometimes question themselves. "Am I really an aspie?"

This might happen when all goes well and you feel like you are like everyone else. But then something happens and your bubble pops. You realize again, that you are not like others.

Of course when you tell this to someone non-autistic, they just say "everybody is different" which, to me is infuriating. Yes, everybody is different but those on the autistic spectrum even more so. My way of being different has nothing to do with the "general feeling of being different"

This is why infuriates me when somebody who doesn`t even know me well, questions my diagnosis.
"I would have never guessed. You don`t look autistic."
"I met people on the spectrum, and you are not like them."
"People on the spectrum cannot keep eye contact and are socially awkward"

Oh really? Is that so? - I want to ask them. Unfortunately usually I am just simply to angry to say anything.
Yes, I try my best to keep eye contact. And if you met me once or twice you might have not noticed that most of the times I avoid it.
If we meet up, I will chose walking as an activity because while we walk I don`t need to look at you.
When we sit down, I will sit next to you, so me not looking at you while talking is not so obvious as if we would be sitting facing each other.

I will look at you from time to time, but when I am overwhelmed, angry, sad, anxious or whatever feeling I can`t describe - I will not look at you. Of course you won`t notice that as when it happens I usually escape and go home and if I can`t, I do everything to avoid any contact with  people.
I shut down and while my body is still there I am not anymore. I drift away to my zone, where I can feel comfortable again.

It`s okay for me to question myself. Just like you, sometimes question yourself if you are normal, I question if I am really autistic.
But then, something happens and reminds me that I am. Or, I just simply remember something from my past and I know I have no better explanation that autism to explain why certain things had happened to me and are happening in my everyday life.
I go to one of the forums where I can talk to people like me, and that reminds me, I am like them. I am one of them. It`s the only place when I don`t feel like an outsider.

Ever since I researched why I am so different and found Aspergers Syndrome I am much happier.
My life finally makes sense.
I don`t get upset of myself as often as I used to.
I allow myself to be me, more than ever before.
I don`t feel as alone as I used to.
When nothing else makes sense, this is the only thing that does. I have Aspgergers.

I never use it as a weapon, never use it as an excuse. But in many cases it`s an explanation.
It is an explanation when tiny things that other won`t even notice upset me.
It is an explanation when things slightly change around me and I lose control.
It is an explanation when entering a big super market I get so overwhelmed it takes me 2 hours to get just a couple of things - and after that I am unable to do anything else so I need to curl up in my bed.
It is an explanation when certain sounds makes my brain hurt, certain lights, textures can make me feel want to hurt myself.
It is an explanation when meeting someone new, I am scared and want to hide.
It is an explanation of why I feel like an alien.
It is an explanation of why I see things so differently.

I am allowed to question myself. You, are not to question me ever. Because you don`t go through on my struggles, you don`t experience thing the way I do, and most importantly you don`t experience being me.

So please, next time you meet someone who says they are on the spectrum, do not question them just because they don`t wear sunglasses, sit on the corner and rock. We don`t all do that.
Have some respect!